Let's Talk Gaslighting - Psychological Manipulation

To the disgust of many linguists, much of our contemporary lingo today roots from social media slang and jargon. I remember talking to one of my parents about an episode of a show that we were both watching, the Rookie. In one of the later seasons, a man who was considered to be among the police station’s most honorable detectives, was found to be a dirty cop. When one of the lead characters named John Nolan - who was also close friends with this apparent ‘dirty cop’ - grew suspicious of him, the detective was quick to belittle and manipulate John claiming that he might be losing his sanity a little. I called this “gaslighting”, and the confusion on my mother’s face - as someone who isn’t all over social media like most of us - was justified. Like most forms of psychological manipulation, gaslighting is rather sneaky and insidious; so much so that the victim becomes so focused and questioning of their own perceptions that they fail to recognize the malicious tactics. We all encounter our lives’ share of toxic personalities, and I’m sure I’m not just speaking for myself when I say that I’d definitely prefer not to have to question my sanity. So, let’s talk about gaslighting.

On the contrary of what some users on TikTok may think, the term originated from the 1994 film called “Gaslight”, where a husband manipulates his wife: causing her to doubt her own memories and knowledge, and ultimately, her sanity. It’s important to acknowledge that gaslighting can also begin with microaggressions, and the emotional abuse that it inflicts can be far more severe than what you would think. Making someone doubt their own sanity is no small feat, and it employs extremely pernicious techniques. Recognizing gaslighting in your relationships and those of people you care about is crucial to rid yourself of its erosive and destructive effects on your confidence and self-worth. Nonetheless, it’s not easy to identify especially when you’re the victim given gaslighting’s ability to have you dispute your own judgment: a psychological positive feedback-loop. It requires awareness, validation from trusted sources/individuals, and self-trust to break free from the bounds of such manipulation.

You’d be surprised to know how many social media influencers and businesses utilize gaslighting (not even subtly) as a technique to lure you in and purchase their products. Pretty cult-like, right? There’s traditional gaslighting, but there’s also unintentional gaslighting. You could say that unintentional gaslighting isn’t meant to cause malice, but it’s scary to think such an extreme form of mental abuse comes naturally to someone and they don’t even need to try. To say the least, we certainly live in an interesting world. Gaslighting can occur in various types of relationships, whether it’s in romantic, familial, platonic, or even professional settings. As a form of psychological abuse that seeks to exert power and control over the victim, it leaves them feeling confused, anxious, and doubtful of their own sanity. With this in mind, to protect ourselves and those around us, it’s important to rid ourselves of gaslighter-and-gaslit relationships by recognizing the sneaky and gradual tactics used by the gaslighter to fulfill their own goals at the cost of your self-trust. But remember, context is key, and some of these common signs could apply to different non-gaslighting situations. It’s important to differentiate between anger or bitter arguments and gaslighting.

Here are some common signs of gaslighting:

1. Constantly questioning your memory: Gaslighters may repeatedly challenge or dismiss your recollection of events, making you doubt your own memory and perception. They might say things like, "You're wrong, that never happened," or "You must be imagining things." Sometimes, even a “You know better than this” can go a long way. There’s a bold line at which rudely correcting someone turns into gaslighting, and that’s when the gaslighter evidently tries to evoke guilt and embarrassment rather than solely trying to belittle you.This consistent denial and contradiction of the victim's reality are key red flags.

2. Denying their actions: Gaslighters often deny or downplay their behavior, even when confronted with evidence. They might say things like, "We all know I would never say that," or "You're just being sensitive." Often, this denial is phrased into “Why would I even do that?” and succeeded with a belittling explanation of how your evidence or suggestion “sounds crazy”.

3. Contradicting themselves: Gaslighters may change their story or contradict previous statements, causing confusion and making it difficult for you to trust your own judgment. They might say one thing one day and the opposite the next, leaving you feeling disoriented.

4. Blaming and shifting responsibility: Gaslighters frequently deflect blame onto you or others, making you feel guilty or responsible for their actions. They might say things like, "You made me do this," or "If only you hadn't done that, I wouldn't have reacted this way." Some people go out of their way to seem polite, saying things like “I didn’t want to hurt your feelings, so I didn’t bring it up with you but we both know it’s your fault”. I wish I could say that many of us haven’t heard that, but I would be wrong.

5. Diminishing your feelings and experiences: Gaslighters often dismiss or invalidate your emotions, making you feel like your concerns or reactions are unwarranted or exaggerated. They might say things like, "You're too sensitive," or "Stop overreacting." As a woman, hearing “Is it that time of the month?”, “You’re just hormonal” or something parallel to that when I express my emotions tends to make my blood boil a little.

6. Creating confusion and doubt: Gaslighters manipulate information and introduce doubt into your mind.Gaslighters frequently belittle the victim's feelings, opinions, or abilities. They might mock the victim, criticize their judgment, or dismiss their emotions as irrational or unwarranted. This undermines the victim's self-esteem and fosters a sense of self-doubt. They might twist facts, introduce false information, or present alternative narratives, causing you to question your own reality.

7. Isolating you from support: Gaslighters may try to isolate you from friends, family, or other sources of support. They might discourage or undermine your relationships, making you more reliant on them for validation and information. Often, this can manifest itself as what seems like a slightly flattering possessiveness of your relationship, but there’s more under the surface that even you or the gaslighter may not realize. This is one of those severe warning signs that can’t really be mistaken for anger or just a rude person, and contributes to you relying on the gaslighter for reality checks; a vicious cycle.

8. Gaslighting in cycles: Gaslighting often occurs in cycles, with periods of intense manipulation followed by temporary relief or kindness like love-bombing. This intermittent reinforcement can make you doubt your perception of the abuse and keep you engaged in the toxic dynamic.

It's necessary to remember that experiencing one or two of these signs doesn't necessarily indicate gaslighting. We like to believe the best in people, give them chances, and forgive. However, if you consistently notice several of these behaviors in a relationship, it's crucial to pay attention, set boundaries, and seek support. Trust your instincts and reach out to trusted friends, family, or professionals who can provide guidance and who have your best interests at heart. Nobody has the right to undermine your perception of reality.